Kentucky blackbird
not seen, but heard
sing on my shoulder
for the ride home?

It's quiet on the road
even with all the lungs.
So please sing your song
that only I can hear.

Keep me awake through the hills
and remind me how these colors
can be stolen in a second.
It's worth the fatigue.

I am worried...

that if I go through VESID and they find out that I'm "stable" enough to hold down a "job" for over three years that they may not think I am eligible for their help with schooling. However, I wonder if the fact that I don't dress up, don't deal with customers face to face, barely answer the phone or make calls and only work with three other people instead of 349388497598473540 people will make a difference. Part of why I can't get any further is because of my anxiety around many people at once. I feel stuck, again. Of course I haven't even taken any steps within this realm AT ALL yet but I'm already having fears and doubts and dsalkfjasldkhasdlfkhasdf.

I have to find a therapist.
I have to find a therapist.
I have to find a therapist.
I have to find a therapist.
I have to find a therapist.
I have to find a therapist... to start.

GIVE ME THE FUCKING BALL.

I feel so fat and gross lately. I'm tired. I've been eating SO much junk food since October began. Forget about Halloween and now Thanksgiving is coming? There is so much good food and I just could give a fuck about truly exercising or even using my Wii Fit which I was OBSESSED over just this past summer. I was way more physically active before moving into the new place but that threw everything off to boot. My depression and other issues are simply out of control. I just think I've just reached an all time low (understatement). I may be able to pull myself out of it but not just yet. I need to find a therapist. After I am diagnosed with X, Y, Z (and probably M, Q, P, R... maybe L) which I will be (because I already have been in the past and I've gotten worse in my 20s. Not only have I gotten worse, but I've also developed new issues. Fun!) I am going to go through a program called VESID. Apparently if you have a mental disability, they will pay for you to go to certain schools. This will solve my problem with not being able to work full time and go to school part time. I cannot go part time to school. Either school or work will suffer. Most likely school. It will be a waste. I know myself. In fact, this is directly related to one or five thousand of my disorders. It's kind of funny in a twisted way actually. I also want to finish already. I am 28 years old and I'm tired of seeing people years younger making twice as much as me when I know I can do well in school. I'm eager to learn more than ever. J cannot afford to support us both with all of his loans and everything else he pays off each month. Plus his portion of the rent, plus most of the groceries and his own personal expenses. So I have to work at LEAST part time. I probably could get relatively cheap health insurance through NY Health (I believe) or maybe elsewhere. J and I aren't married so that rules out getting insurance through him. Bleh. Anyway, I just really need to get back to school. I can't keep living hand to mouth. Even with J's help (which he doesn't have to give me but I have grown to accept most of the time), I cannot stand working just to sleep under a roof just to wake up to go to work just to drive home to sleep under a roof just to wake up to go to work just to drive home... You know? I need to have an actual career. It has to be related to something I find great interest in. It has to pay decently. I don't need to be rich but I need to be comfortable. Of course being rich wouldn't be so bad. I think therapy combined with school combined probably with some kind of medication, I might be able to do this. I just need to get the ball rolling. However, it seems whenever I have the ball in reach, I don't have the energy to begin the roll and when I have the energy to begin the roll, the ball has been stolen by some little evil monster out to get me.

The beginning of November.

I feel extra on edge today. Extra panicky. I feel like for some reason I am externally able to cope better today but the inner sadness is overwhelming. Every time one of my bosses says my name, or if a friend seems upset about something regarding me, I feel like the world is about to end and my heart pounds crazily. None of this should matter because one day I will be dead.

However, since I'm still here...

I'm tired of this job. I'm tired of not having my "family" to fall back on. Not for monetary reasons, but for emotional ones. I'm tired of my problems spiraling out of control. I'm tired of not having the motivation for some STUPID reason to not make that first step to get into therapy. I'm tired of money problems and not being able go to go school full time (yet). I'm tired of not singing. I'm tired feeling ugly and insecure. I'm tired of my abandonment issues. I'm tired of physical pain.

Bitch, bitch, bitch. Whine, whine, whine. Complain, complain, complain. I am less than two years away from 30 and this is who I am. It's fucking pathetic.