*scream*

Work is dead. The Scrabulous website is down. I need my crack. I'm going to rip faces if I don't get my crack!

Borderline Personality Disorder (unedited conglomerate).

Right now. My brain and heart twists into each other. Painful tangles of what I know is rational along with my instinct and heart . No cognition. Marijuana. Distract. Not really, no. Cold water. Drink it. Distraction. Promise ring, promise ring, promise ring. Look at it. LOOK at it! Not enough. Nothing is enough. Nothing is ever enough. I will keep my mouth shut. Something about aging helps me with this, but inside I am screaming. I will be abandoned. I am a horrible person. What is there about me that makes it worth it? Stop looking at the time. I already know what tonight was supposed to entail. That doesn't help me. Look at the phone again. No, nobody has called. Play more Scrabble online. I love him so damn much. Love is the only thing keeping me from not lashing out on him for no reason. Controlling this feels like I'm fighting against something that is killing me but giving up the fight. I do not like the feeling! I am not one to lose a fight! I have to surrender. Surrendering feels like suffocating. I feel like I'm not being MYSELF. Self control, self control, self control. Take another hit. Holding it as I type this sentence. Now I am coughing. Check my phone. Nothing. STOP IT. I am pathetic. Fight or flight, fight or flight, fight or flight. Clonazepam and Marijuana takes the edge off. I want to cut the tip of my tongue off. Literally. Not the expression but I picture doing this at least a couple times a month. Same for pulling my earrings through the piercings in my ears, or pulling the bar through my tongue piercing to the tip of my tongue. I have stopped cutting. It has been months. I am on day two without a cigarette and I am craving one so badly I could rip faces. If I think about having one for long enough, eventually this calms down. And now? Now I'm back to where I began. Why can I not be okay? What did you do to me, Nature? Check my phone again. YOU FUCKING MORON. Not for nothing my sound is off. I almost don't want the phone to ring. If I talk to him, I don't trust myself to not say something stupid and uncalled for. I am trying to control myself. Check my phone again. He called! I missed it and now my stomach is burning. I feel good that he called but now I feel guilty for not answering. However as I just mentioned, I don't want to put him through Hell for my own issues. The fucking TV. I look up and why oh why must the Burger King guy be on? I fucking loathe him. I also loathe the surinam toad. If you don't know what that is, look it up. Disgust. Patterns. Certain patterns make me anxious. Patterns made from HOLES. LOOK IT UP, I tell you. He called me again. Am I an asshole?

I just spoke to him.

I cannot wait...

to make a list of all of the things I will NOT miss after I move out of this fucking place.

I can't stop thinking about this today...

Machines. 98 years here. Brown blocks of chronology visible through dried and opened lips. A small bug lands on her mouth. Like the one that bit me last week on my hand. She's not even dead yet. Tiny and frail, she (the machines) gasps for air. A dying, wrinkled flesh robot. My Grandma.

We leave the hospital. Sun showers ensue. A full rainbow comes through the clouds. I have never seen a full one before. Only halves or parts.

Two days later, gone for good. The day after that, burial.











5.23.10 - 8.14.08


*Edit* The pictures are getting cut off but only a little bit and I don't know why. Still not all too used to this site. If you really care, just right click and view image.

.

The only one who would apologize
was someone through a screen

I smell your spit on my face
and my smokes are around the block

My stomach is down to the chair
and my ears itch so deeply - I cannot reach to scratch


... Breakthrough.

Smoke or cut.

Smoke or cut. Smoke or cut. Smoke or cut. Smoke or cut.

Random Ray ramble...

Firstly, Happy Autumnal Equinox to anyone reading this today. =)

Today I am trying to put my end of Summer goal into action. No more cigarettes. At least no more cigarettes daily, no more grubbing (at least for a long while), no more buying packs. I hate this because I love smoking. I love the act. It's definitely more of a psychological addiction than a physical one for me. I know this is true. However, just in case - I have some stupid (insert whatever brand you like here) gum to use that J got for free from some sample website.

Anyway... Only six more days until we move into the new apartment. It's been super stressful and tiring but words cannot express how elated I will be to be out of the fuckery I am in right now. Constantly getting sick due to the environment (basement apartment plus a filthy roommate), the disrespect I (and my friends) have received; The list can go on. However since I am leaving, I will also leave the long list behind as well. Or at least for now. Maybe there will be a retrospect post at some point. Hah.

Baba (John, J's step dad who is actually more like his real dad because his "real" dad isn't the quite the best person in the world) helped us out a great deal yesterday. We went to Home Depot and bought a bunch of wood and built our own platform high bed frame! Now we will have room for storage underneath the bed, plus no more bed squeaking because of a shitty frame or box spring. *wink* This platform is absolutely diesel. He also gave J some money for our U-Haul and other things we will need. A nice wad of cash. We were not expecting that. I feel a little guilty. I'm going to get him a Thank You card. J was almost in tears on the way home last night saying how he doesn't know how he can ever repay John for what he's done for him. I told him, "Just tell him that. That's all you need to do." J is blessed and now, I am extra blessed.

So it turns out I had/have a sinus infection. I'm on day four of antibiotics. Antibiotics; What a wonderful thing.

I just scratched my right eyebrow.

Crisp air and a cricket choir.
Singing their deaths.