Borderline Personality Disorder (unedited conglomerate).

Right now. My brain and heart twists into each other. Painful tangles of what I know is rational along with my instinct and heart . No cognition. Marijuana. Distract. Not really, no. Cold water. Drink it. Distraction. Promise ring, promise ring, promise ring. Look at it. LOOK at it! Not enough. Nothing is enough. Nothing is ever enough. I will keep my mouth shut. Something about aging helps me with this, but inside I am screaming. I will be abandoned. I am a horrible person. What is there about me that makes it worth it? Stop looking at the time. I already know what tonight was supposed to entail. That doesn't help me. Look at the phone again. No, nobody has called. Play more Scrabble online. I love him so damn much. Love is the only thing keeping me from not lashing out on him for no reason. Controlling this feels like I'm fighting against something that is killing me but giving up the fight. I do not like the feeling! I am not one to lose a fight! I have to surrender. Surrendering feels like suffocating. I feel like I'm not being MYSELF. Self control, self control, self control. Take another hit. Holding it as I type this sentence. Now I am coughing. Check my phone. Nothing. STOP IT. I am pathetic. Fight or flight, fight or flight, fight or flight. Clonazepam and Marijuana takes the edge off. I want to cut the tip of my tongue off. Literally. Not the expression but I picture doing this at least a couple times a month. Same for pulling my earrings through the piercings in my ears, or pulling the bar through my tongue piercing to the tip of my tongue. I have stopped cutting. It has been months. I am on day two without a cigarette and I am craving one so badly I could rip faces. If I think about having one for long enough, eventually this calms down. And now? Now I'm back to where I began. Why can I not be okay? What did you do to me, Nature? Check my phone again. YOU FUCKING MORON. Not for nothing my sound is off. I almost don't want the phone to ring. If I talk to him, I don't trust myself to not say something stupid and uncalled for. I am trying to control myself. Check my phone again. He called! I missed it and now my stomach is burning. I feel good that he called but now I feel guilty for not answering. However as I just mentioned, I don't want to put him through Hell for my own issues. The fucking TV. I look up and why oh why must the Burger King guy be on? I fucking loathe him. I also loathe the surinam toad. If you don't know what that is, look it up. Disgust. Patterns. Certain patterns make me anxious. Patterns made from HOLES. LOOK IT UP, I tell you. He called me again. Am I an asshole?

I just spoke to him.