*shrug*

So as I was laying in my old and almost empty room last Saturday waiting for J and his brother Phill to arrive with the moving truck I was crisscrossing my presence between a nap and the waking world. Things would pop into my head as soon as I would plunge into a semi-slumber and I would wake up and write those things on a small notepad we had been using for lists regarding our move. This is what came out. It's in order and I just have no clue (especially the last one):

Maybe you can sing your tune in a barren room
and truly hear the echo's soul.

I need an angel's call
to the knotted ball
of tight muscle in my neck.

Hey chowder head,
Your skin is red.
Leave your scabs alone.

Okay.

So lately every little thing has been getting to me. All of the drama that ensued during the last moments of my transition from my last place of residence to the new one due to my filthy ex-roommate, the normal severe depression that kicks on sporadically and is ruthless, the general stress of unpacking, setting things up, lack of money and also figuring out what to go back to college for. I feel so much yet I feel simultaneously detached. It's taking a toll on my relationship and this is not okay. Especially so because we just made this big step together. However, after realizing that he has been feeling this way too, then texting me with something that made me feel again an hour or so later and talking to Jill, I think things may be okay in the long run. Simply put, I need therapy. Badly. J needs to come with. He has agreed in the past but I've never made the steps to get us there and really, it is up to me because honestly, my problems are worse and I'm the source of things fucking up at least 70% of the time. I hate percentages. Hah.

I just want to be "normal". Not happy per se. Just normal. Feeling sad would be blissful because sadness is so many levels higher than what I feel most of the time.

Blah blah blah.

Very, very depressed. Whatever pops into my mind.

Last names are despicable
First names are a nuisance

No two clouds are ever the same
No two waves are ever the same

My feet are roots
My body is a stem
My head is the flower
My hairs are the petals

The intangible tumor in my mind is named Misery.

If I pick the skin around my nails, things will be better. I try to make it all even. No parts sticking up. I don't care if any parts are redder than pink. It's still smooth. Smooth is better. Smooth is better. Smooth is better. Tiny balls of blood will clot and wash away. No worries. No worries.

Cup. A teacup. Soft clank to a saucer.

I'm done with life but apparently it's not done with me.

I love one of my best friends ever, Jill. She is talking to me as all this random shit pops into my mind.

J just texted me and now I want to cry.

Forget whatever flows into my head. None of it matters, really.

From yesterday... Movin' on up... (no more disgust on so many levels).

All I have to say is that after being constantly spoken to like shit, cleaning up after someone else constantly, J coming into the picture and cleaning up constantly, dealing with unwanted drama, condescending tones, hypocritical behavior and STILL trying to appease someone ONLY in order to avoid dealing with a "king shit" attitude and being made to feel awful for no reason, I am glad to have moved into a drama-free, CLEAN place to call home. <3

Oh wait. I guess I have more to say. Hmph...

I gave reasons as to why last minute things couldn't be done. There was nothing else I could say or do. I was sincere and apologetic. Maybe I was a bit assertive for ONCE because I knew I was fleeing the dungeon, finally. I hate conflict where I live. Oh yeah, and J also TOLD HIM to his face at LEAST three times (literally) before we moved and during our move, that he would come over after we moved our stuff, to help him. Obviously, this wasn't enough and he needed to start some drama at the last minute, even though we tried to leave on peaceful terms.

Some people are just so miserable that instead of expressing how they truly feel (which is sad or annoyed), they will call your phone and leave a long message wishing you a horrible and short life among other vulgar, rude and hypocritical things. Very mature. The result of that message? Laughter. Lots of it. =D

As a side note, due to this drama I felt it took a toll on myself and the upstairs neighbors rapport. Honestly, I don't want to have them involved in any of this at all because they are good people and have never wronged me. It's sad because I want to keep contact with them but I am worried what they may feel due to the fact that they've only heard a one-sided story for the last year plus.

Anyway, we are so happy to be in our new apartment. It's beautiful, CLEAN and we don't have to worry about anymore drama that we grew out of when we left high school. It's coming along great. We have so much sunlight, nice wood floors and a great kitchen! I'm loving the ceiling fans in our bedroom and living room. Also, Harley isn't as itchy anymore it seems. Another BIG plus.

No more boogers, cum, and orange shampoo residue on the bathroom walls. No more empty cans, pizza boxes, chip bags, candy wrappers, rotting food in the fridge AND freezer. No more ridiculous requests. No more hearing about plans to sabotage peoples romantic relationships. No more not being able to have my BEST FRIEND over more because Bob forbid the halting of pot consumption would have to ensue because she has a three year old daughter.

PS: We wash our hands after we shit. We also actually open and USE our mouthwash. LOL

PPS: For the record. These are my feelings and I purposely left names out because I'm not an immature fuck. We don't care what is said about us. We know the truth and are comfortable in life because of this.

Things are good. =)