I remember...

the first time I used reverse psychology without even realizing it. Or maybe that isn't the correct term. Maybe it was clever distraction. I am unsure.

I was a child. Young. Probably around five or six years old. My mother (who wasn't a good mother and that's being polite) was angry at me for some reason as she usually was. I was out to eat at Friendly's I believe with her, my Dad, and I think Mamu (my grandmother on my Mom's side). I was acting like a normal five or six year old child acts. I wasn't going crazy or anything but I did something that my mom did not like. She promised me that when we got home, she would hit me. I say hit, even though she probably used to word "spank" because her "spanks" weren't so spank-like.

So we get home. She sits down on the living room couch. I know what's going to happen. She calls me over to her. She tells me to lie down across her lap, buttocks facing her. I don't understand why being me is so wrong. I climb up her wide leg to her lap and start laughing in her face. Just laughing. Hysterically, for no reason. I went overboard because I realized, she started to crack a smile. Eventually she started to laugh and I think she forgot why she even wanted to hit me in the first place. She asked me what I was laughing about. I kept laughing. She told me to get down. So I did and I avoided one night of being hit.

Why would you not discipline a child in other manners? I understand some kids need a good spanking but to plan it out? She set up the fear in me. I thought about it while eating out and on the way home. I'd hope she forgot about it because really, I don't know what I did. I WAS A CHILD! As if I have all this adult kind of control over my thoughts and actions. Please. Needless to say, she didn't forget about it. Why didn't she just wait until we got home and then startle me with a spanking? I will tell you why. Because she is a sick person.

One of the many memories of my mother's awful way of treating me as a child. A conversation with a friend sprung this up in me. I probably should write about my experiences more often because I think they fuck me up on a daily level as an adult.

Thanks "Mom".

Oh and perhaps to those who may read this and think something along the lines of "that's not so bad" or "I had it worse", I can assure you that this was one of the less fucked up experiences as a child. It still hurts today though and it pales in comparison to most of the other shit she did to me.

... breathe ...

I'm used to LiveJournal...

but I will post something here anyhow to "start".

I feel empty at this moment. I have a lot to look forward to but I'm cursed with my severe depression, panic disorder and a few other things that I'm sure is the mental disorder du jour for anyone that has had their latte made the wrong way, broke their Blackberry or whatever.

I feel that all the torture I've been through since before I could speak up until now, in various forms has permanently shaped me for life. Many say this isn't so. Many say you can get help. Sure, I believe it - but how much help is there really? No matter how happy I am, there is always a lingering misery. I see misery in the most beautiful things. This isn't a choice. It was a choice when I was a teenager because I felt that was all I could relate to. Sometimes I still choose it because it's practically all I know, and what one knows equals comfort.

I have amazing pipes and have done nothing with this talent. The biggest reason being is because of the external torment I received as a child because I looked different than everyone else. Of course now, people claim I am beautiful and unique. I always liked when people use that word 'unique'. I know what you're really saying.

Well, I'm sitting at my dead end job and leaving soon. I believe I have a sinus/throat/ear infection. Yay for physical pain to add to the mental! Do I want some cheese with this *whine*? Anyone have some stringed instruments and some morose notes to follow? I do love music you know. I also love cheese.

I will end this entry with something I started telling myself years ago but of course haven't put into action (yet?):

Time to change my nature before nature robs my time.