I remember...

the first time I used reverse psychology without even realizing it. Or maybe that isn't the correct term. Maybe it was clever distraction. I am unsure.

I was a child. Young. Probably around five or six years old. My mother (who wasn't a good mother and that's being polite) was angry at me for some reason as she usually was. I was out to eat at Friendly's I believe with her, my Dad, and I think Mamu (my grandmother on my Mom's side). I was acting like a normal five or six year old child acts. I wasn't going crazy or anything but I did something that my mom did not like. She promised me that when we got home, she would hit me. I say hit, even though she probably used to word "spank" because her "spanks" weren't so spank-like.

So we get home. She sits down on the living room couch. I know what's going to happen. She calls me over to her. She tells me to lie down across her lap, buttocks facing her. I don't understand why being me is so wrong. I climb up her wide leg to her lap and start laughing in her face. Just laughing. Hysterically, for no reason. I went overboard because I realized, she started to crack a smile. Eventually she started to laugh and I think she forgot why she even wanted to hit me in the first place. She asked me what I was laughing about. I kept laughing. She told me to get down. So I did and I avoided one night of being hit.

Why would you not discipline a child in other manners? I understand some kids need a good spanking but to plan it out? She set up the fear in me. I thought about it while eating out and on the way home. I'd hope she forgot about it because really, I don't know what I did. I WAS A CHILD! As if I have all this adult kind of control over my thoughts and actions. Please. Needless to say, she didn't forget about it. Why didn't she just wait until we got home and then startle me with a spanking? I will tell you why. Because she is a sick person.

One of the many memories of my mother's awful way of treating me as a child. A conversation with a friend sprung this up in me. I probably should write about my experiences more often because I think they fuck me up on a daily level as an adult.

Thanks "Mom".

Oh and perhaps to those who may read this and think something along the lines of "that's not so bad" or "I had it worse", I can assure you that this was one of the less fucked up experiences as a child. It still hurts today though and it pales in comparison to most of the other shit she did to me.

... breathe ...

I have 'Mr. Self Destruct' in my head and I haven't heard it in forever.

No, I will never "grow out of" NIN. You have to be out of your mind. In a completely different manner than the way I am.

I have not made attempts to get help in the past week. I don't know if it's because I'm so preoccupied with the move or if it's because I'm always awful at making that 'first step'. Or both. All I know is, I'm fucked up. Terribly so. In so many ways.

I need a tattoo or a piercing or SOMETHING soon even though I cannot afford it. I cannot cut myself anymore because it doesn't solve anything and I will lose someone because of it. It's a hard craving to push away, but I have been. Just like cigarettes (almost two weeks without any).

I went to a Project Adventure thingy yesterday that was free. Jill invited me to come along with J. We met her girlfriend, Trey, who seems sweet. Part of the group of challenges involved a gigantic rock climbing wall. I've never done such a thing before. Out of the four of us (friend wise, not group wise) I was the only one who made it up. I don't know how I did it, especially not being in the best shape lately but I did. It was the ONLY thing that made me feel semi-decent in a long time. Other than that, I wish nothing was strapped to me so I could just jump and die. Yes.

There is a lot of human nature I do not understand and find hard to accept. Most people, even my most crazy friends don't understand why I am like this. I try so hard to "give in" and "give up" but I can't. I'm left with seeming delusional to others.

Also, my Mom is being a cunt as always. I'd like to think that one day I would break this cycle and give my future children everything I never had (emotionally speaking and maybe somewhat material speaking). I also think that maybe I should never have children and just hide in a room and starve to death. I don't want to end up like her. I also want to bring lives into this world that are an extension of me and have them live the life I never could and that would make me feel happy in and of itself. If I have to be a vessel, then fine.

I'm out of my mind. I don't want to be sitting here at work and my crack is STILL gone (Scrabulous).

I just want to cry. If there was a "God" I would want Him/Her/It/____ to hug me right now. Tightly. Warmly.

I need... something.

**Edit** The Project Adventure thingy is actually the Alley Pond Park Adventure Course. Jill posted a bunch of pics that are less than flattering on MySpace. I've already ganked them and will put them up there as well for those of you who are on my MySpace to see sooner than later.